The Power of Repair

I remember a time when my eldest son got in trouble for doing something – that part I don’t remember.  My husband was mad, I was mad, and my son was mad.  That night, I decided that I would just give my son space and I didn’t go back to his room for our regular “debriefs”.  I assumed time would smooth things over.  But over the next few days, he was different — quiet, withdrawn, not his usual “huggy” self.  I kept asking, “What’s the matter?” He didn’t want to tell me.  Finally, after three or four days, he said: “Mom, you didn’t come into my room to talk to me.”

He needed that re-connection time so badly.   I felt terrible AND so grateful that he could tell me what he needed!!  I still remember that moment and it motivates me to this day to always go back and have a “debrief” or repair time with my kids, even when I feel exhausted, busy, or unsure what to say. 

If I could go back and tell my younger parent self one thing, it would be this:

You don’t have to get it right the first time.
  You just have to come back.

For a long time, I believed good parenting meant staying calm, saying the “right” thing, and handling situations perfectly. When I lost my patience, raised my voice, or reacted in ways that didn’t align with my values, I felt deep shame and guilt.  I worried that every mistake was causing lasting damage.

What I didn’t understand then—but know deeply now—is this:

Repair is where real healing happens.

What Is Repair?

Repair is what happens after things go wrong.

It’s the moment you circle back after an argument.

  It’s the conversation that starts with, “I’ve been thinking about what happened…”

 It’s the willingness to acknowledge impact—even when your intentions were good.

Repair doesn’t mean you were a bad parent.  It means you’re a responsive parent.

All relationships rupture at times. Parent–child relationships are no exception. The goal isn’t to avoid rupture - it’s to repair it.

Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection

My son made this clear: he didn’t need me to be perfect. He just needed to know we were okay - that I wasn’t still angry and that our connection was intact.

Children don’t need parents who never get angry, emotional, or dysregulated.  They need parents who show them what to do when dysregulation happens.

When we repair, we teach our children:

♥    Conflict doesn’t mean disconnection

♥    Emotions don’t end relationships

♥    Mistakes can be acknowledged and healed

♥    Accountability and compassion can exist together

Repair builds trust. It restores safety. And over time, it strengthens resilience and emotional security.

Our Repair Journey

When I was growing up, there was no repair. I remember conflicts feeling loud, angry, and scary. Eventually, things would return to “normal,” but without resolution or acknowledgement of what I had experienced. As a child, I often assumed conflicts were my fault and learned to prioritize my parents’ emotions over my own. I would sit anxiously, wondering how long they would be upset.

Perhaps many of you can relate? 

When I became a parent, I knew I wanted to do things differently.  But my husband and I came into parenting with different belief systems. Just as there was no repair in my home growing up, he also experienced punishment and silence.  While I believed in empowerment, conversation and apologizing for our mistakes, my husband believed we needed to be strict and firm and felt that apologizing meant giving up his authority as a parent.  He thought I was too soft with our kids.  I thought he was too hard on them.

It wasn’t easy.

We worked through hard conversations, counselling, and parenting classes to come together in our parenting. Years later, through my own healing work in the Jai Transformational Parent Coaching program, I realized something profound:

My children didn’t need explanation -- they needed acknowledgement.

Being a speech-language pathologist – I had this preconceived notion that I needed to explain everything to my kids!!  The irony is that they both now say “Mom, just tell me what you want.  You don’t need to justify and explain it!”  (Yes, they really say this!)

Real repair began when I stopped justifying my reactions and started owning them. 

Some of my repair moments sounded like:

“I’m sorry I yelled. That must have felt scary.”

“You’re right!  I wasn’t listening to you.”

“I didn’t listen the way you needed. I want to try again.”

“I was reacting from my own stress, not from what you did.”

“I was trying to impose my own desires and wants onto you instead of really listening to what you wanted.”

Sometimes repair happens quickly. Sometimes it unfolds over days—or even years.

One of the most powerful moments in my parenting journey was writing my son a very emotional letter of acknowledgement and apology after an extremely difficult few years. I named how my actions may have made him feel unseen and misunderstood. I didn’t expect forgiveness.  I simply wanted him to know that his experience mattered. 

That moment didn’t erase the past, but it opened the door to reconnection.

It took weeks before I started noticing small gestures of connection – a question about my day, asking how I was feeling, a request for a favorite meal, a quick hug…. 

Now, years later, our relationship is much stronger. We still argue at times, but we're more aware of how we're feeling in those moments — and willing to acknowledge it and apologize when needed. That awareness, that willingness to come back — that's connection.

What Repair Is (and What It Isn’t)

Repair is:

♥    Acknowledging your child’s feelings

♥    Naming your behavior honestly

♥    Taking responsibility without drowning in shame

♥    Reconnecting emotionally

Repair is not:

♥    Over-explaining or lecturing

♥    Expecting immediate forgiveness

♥    Making it about your guilt

♥    Demanding your child “move on”

Let me be clear:

Repair does not mean apologizing for our rules, limits, or boundaries.  Instead, we apologize for how we react to a situation – for how our actions may have impacted our child, maybe our reactions were harsh, scary, shaming or dismissive. 

We can still have firm family rules and limits AND take responsibility for our own behaviour.

Repair Starts with the Nervous System

Repair is not just relational — it’s biological. 

It can only happen when our nervous system feels safe.  I learned this the hard way. There were many times I tried to repair while I was still flooded — still tense, still irritated.  And guess what?  Those conversations often turned into more yelling and another conflict!

I now know that if my body hasn’t calmed down, it is very difficult -- if not impossible -- for me to co-regulate with my kids during difficult moments.  I learned that if I’m still flooded with emotion, it’s okay to PAUSE.  Initiating repair during those moments might sound like:

“I want to talk about this later when we’re both calmer.”

Coming back matters more than coming back immediately.

When a parent becomes calm and present, a child’s nervous system feels it. That calm presence is often the most powerful repair tool we have.

Remember to Repair with Yourself Too

This part is just as important.

Many of us are carrying generations of expectations, fear, and self-criticism into our parenting. When we make mistakes, we can be especially critical and harsh with ourselves. 

I know I was. 

When I was quick to react, yell or judge my kids, I often felt shame and guilt.  “How could I do this?  I have lots of training, have taken parenting classes, read lots of books, etc….  I should know better!”  At the time, I had no idea how much my own unresolved triggers were driving my reactions.

Thankfully, I’ve learned that self-repair and self-compassion are foundational — not easy, but essential.

Self-repair might sound like:

“I did the best I could with what I knew then.”

“I can learn and choose differently next time.”

“My mistakes do not define me as a person or as a parent.”

When we offer ourselves compassion it becomes easier to extend it to our children.  And when they witness us being gentle with ourselves, they learn to do the same — building the self-compassion that underpins resilience for years to come.

Coming Back: Where to Begin

If you’re wondering where to begin, here is a simple sequence that works:

1.     Pause. Wait until your nervous system has settled.

2.     Return. Let your child know you want to reconnect.

3.     Acknowledge. Name what happened and how it may have felt. Keep it simple.

4.     Reconnect. Close with warmth — a hug, eye contact, or sitting together.

A note on following your child’s lead: Repair with every child is different. Some need quiet time and space before they’re ready to reconnect — pushing too soon can feel overwhelming. Others need physical closeness, a hug, or a face-to-face conversation to feel safe again. Part of repair is knowing your child and letting them guide the pace.

You don’t need a perfect script.  

You just need to show up.

The Long-Term Impact of Repair

Today, my bond with my sons is stronger, more loving and more connected than I could have imagined. Not because I was a perfect parent — but because I keep showing up, owning my mistakes, and choosing repair. 

Repair taught my children that relationships are safe places to be human.
  Self-compassion taught me the same.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve already messed up too much,” please hear this:

It is never too late to repair -- I know this to be TRUE!

One moment of humility can rebuild trust.

One act of repair can soften years of hurt.

Compassion and understanding can reopen doors you thought were closed.

Sometimes, repair isn’t just the end of a hard moment—it’s the beginning of something new. 💛

If repair feels hard, you are not alone.   This is the work I walk alongside parents in every day — gently, compassionately, and without judgment through parent coaching and supportive conversations. 

You don’t have to get it right the first time.
You just have to come back. 💛